Our anniversary: of nerdyness, practicality and beauty

Oh yes, it is all quiet in the house. And I am taking advantage by writing up a few posts for this poor blog. Ah, I know I have neglected you, but with the retreat coming up as well as my anniversary, I just have barely been near my computer.

I could start about the retreat, which was fabulous and deserves it's own post, but instead, I will start with the most important; my husband. My wonderful husband and I celebrated our fifth anniversary. This makes us mere newlyweds compared to some, but it is never the less a big milestone. It's our first 'big number' anniversary. Halfway towards the double digits. I have told you before about how I came to marry that wonderful man. And about our wedding. It should be pretty clear that I adore my husband.
Now do not get me wrong, my husband is a man with flaws (though honestly, I think he does not have that many). And sometimes I am uspet at things he does. Usually though, if I think about it for longer than five minutes, I usually find much worse things that I have done, which makes it less worth quarreling over. If something bothers me long term, I try to talk it out at a happy moment in a non accusatory tone. "Hey, I was just thinking the other day how much easier it would be if we would...." seems much more productive than "Why do you always leave your pants on the floor?" Especially as .. ahum... I sometimes too leave things on the floor that do not belong there. Like pieces of clothing. However I never do this when I am cleaning up. Putting your own laundry in the basket seems natural, even if it is laundry that should have been in there two days ago. Putting someone else's laundry in there seems like an injust chore, a deliberate inconvenience. Sounds like a sinful and self centered perspective to me.
My biggest challenge in my marriage (and especially in motherhood) is to develop a servant's heart. It is my bullet prayer throughout the day when I am feeling overwhelmed: God create in me a servant's heart.
But despite all that: my husband LOVES me. And I LOVE him. For our anniversary I bought him a Jedi bathrobe. The perfect combination of nerdy and practical.



He has been wearing it a lot and claims it is really comfy! In return, he gave me the Pentateuch volume of the St. John's bible. This gift is nerdy and beautiful. Proof that by now we know one another well. I love the St. John's bible. This is the first handwritten bible since the invention of the printing press. It is pretty expensive, so I am acquiring it one volume at a time. So far I have the gospels and acts, the psalms and now the Pentateuch.



The beauty of this handwritten bible is that, because of the smaller size and the handwritten text (photographed handwritten text of course), it invites you to slow down in your reading and savour the Lord's word, even if- with small children- you only get to do so in small doses.

We celebrated our anniversary with Bill's parents and the children. Then in the evening we went out for a simple meal, a walk along the beach and ended up talking a few minutes under the moon while sitting on a porch swing. The group of teenagers sitting in and around the porch swing next to ours made the moment not less romantic.
Five years. Not nearly long enough. I was so happy to read that Matrushka Anna celebrated her wedding anniversary (fourteen, much further along the path of wisdom than I am) just a few days ago. Her fourteen lessons are a word to the wise! I found myself nodding my head at each one of them. Number three is my particular challenge. There is that 'servant's heart' again.
I hope that as the years go, I will grow in wisdom, in wifeliness (the spellchecker claims this is not a word, but it should be), in patience, in sacrificial love, and in willingness to serve. I hope our love will grow stronger and deeper. After all, I felt as if my heart was ready to burst with love on my wedding day. Five years later, it has only expanded.

A fine... romance... with many kisses

I told you I was going to keep romance as the theme of the week. Yesterday I may have gotten distracted by the excellent post in the blog 'the delighed life, but today I am back again. Romance. Did you know that you can deliberately chose to be romantic?
When I walk across the street and see a young couple that is obviously in love, how do I see it? Well, they hold hands perhaps. They touch eachother, not especially in a sexual way, but as if they just love to be close to the other person. And when they talk they won't just speak about 'Brandon' or 'Elly', no there are little words of endearment escaping every now and then.
Some people think it's silly and annoying. I always thought it sweet. When I look at older couples in Church, I notice some of them are still holding hands, staying close whenever they can.



Maybe you have noticed on my blog that I rarely refer to my husband simply as 'my husband'. I speak of my 'beloved' husband. My 'wonderful' husband. My prince. When people point out how cute or handsome my baby is, I never fail to tell them how much he is like his dada. I love telling him how handsome he is. How I admire him. Usually these are not the long winded declarations of love you find here on my blog (and won't he be slightly embarrassed at all this praise when he peeks in), but just a little 'Have I told you how handsome you are?' as he is emptying the dishwasher, or reading a book and I pass by.

When I need to go do something difficult (like getting off the couch to get a glass of water after a long day of todler chasing) I tell my sweet husband that I will do it, but that I need a kiss for strength first. There are other ways to get an extra kiss in here or there. Like last week when we were driving to Hilton Head and he predicted we would be at our destination in 30 minutes. I bet him for a kiss that it would take us less than that. And then there are the kisses 'just because' you are just passing by eachother and a kiss is absolutely mandated.

Sometimes, when my husband does something that annoys me (believe it or not, even my wonderful, magnificent husband sometimes does things that annoy me) I make it a point to set it aside if it's a trivial matter and instead of harping on it, go and get a kiss. If it's something that seriously bothers me, I'll talk about it when I'm not feeling snarky or 'in the moment annoyed' anymore. Because that's usually when unkind words fall. And that extra kiss usually gets me over the annoyance pretty quickly.

I'm not trying to make anyone believe that ours is a fairytale life. We're a normal couple with many shortcomings before either of us manages to become a true mirror of Christ like love. But we have found out that even the most difficult time becomes a little bit easier when a small offering of love is made in a word, a touch, or a small or big action.

Romance: take every day, before or after breakfast

Maybe I will keep romance as my theme for the week. After the high of Valentines day, there might be a slump in attention and I am a great admirer of romance. True romance that is. Now I don't have anything against roses, in fact I love them. Nor do I mind chocolates. I'm from Belgium. Just bring me the good stuff!
Too often we discourage girls to believe in romance because 'it's just movie invented hallmark induced fake stuff that has nothing to do with real life'. Not true. I experienced true romance this morning.




It was raining and on my way to dropping my husband off to work, I needed to get gas. I had been pretty grumpy during the morning since my usual routine was disturbed by getting Joseph out of bed half an hour earlier. I am still a novice driver and probably was not driving my best. I guess something in the set of my mouth told my wonderful husband that I was not in the best of moods. And as I pulled up at the gas station, knowing how much it rained, he simply offered: "Shall I do it?"
To me this is the modern day equivalent of someone spreading his coat out over a puddle. Only it is eminently more romantic since I won't need to wash a sodden, muddy coat. True romance is quietly offering to go out through the rain to fill up the tank so your wife doesn't have to. It doesn't come more simple or more sweet than that.

Literary Romance: great husbands are men of virtue

Last weekend there were a lot of posts about romance in blogland, most of them inspired by valentines day. As I mentioned in my previous post: some people love the day, some people dislike it, but many were inspired by the holiday to give their thoughts on romance. I would like to throw my own little stone in that pond.
I have recently seen many posts that encourage young women to adjust their expectation of a husband. I am in great agreement with that idea if it encourages young women to let go of movie star expectactions and disney princess dreams. Sometimes though, it seems we ask women to give up their hopes and dreams and to 'settle'. As long as he is a Christian... everything else should be ok if you pray a lot about it. I know that God can do amazing things, but our expectations as women will often determine what the goal is that men strive for.
I was struck by this post from the Joyfully home blog. Don't you just love that title?

I agree with a lot of what Jasmine says, but I was struck by these passages:

Many of us would be indignant if young men expected us to look like Anne Hathaway, to act like Anne Elliot, to have an accent like Kate Winslet, to be as tall as Cate Blanchet, and yet to be as spiritually mature as Sarah Edwards or as intelligent as Abigail Adams!

As charismatic as Mr. Knightly may be, I haven't seen him gallivanting around in the twenty-first century, nor should you expect to. As beautiful and multi-faceted as Elinor Dashwood may appear, I am not her, and neither are you. Who we are is children of a sovereign King Who has given us biblical standards for true femininity and masculinity, standards that supersede every romantic notion in our heads, and standards that will be a much stronger foundation for a God-honoring marriage.

Now as far as I know Jane Austin, and Louisa May Alcott who is mentioned further in the post, there is barely ANY emphasis on the looks of their male heroes. On the contrary. All good, marriageable men are recognized by their actions, their behaviour, their... virtues.

Let me give a little summary of some of the well known 'heroes of young womens' literature'.

Colonel Brandon is attentive, steadfast and takes on responsibilites for those weaker than him. He is willing to put his own happiness aside for Mariannes.
Mr. Knightleys great virtue lays in his honesty and moral guidance towards Emma, as well as his greater tolerance for the weaknesses of others.
Edward Ferrars goodness is seen in his lack of snobism, his desire for a simple life and his commitment to a given word, even when it goes against his own happiness.
Mr. Darcy becomes a 'hero' in his willingness to overcome his pride, to confront someone he loats in order to save the woman he loves more public embarrassement and an uncertain future, even after she has previously refused his proposal.
Laurie from Little Women and Good wives sets aside his own desires and grows up. He is man enough to realize that his dream of becoming a genius composer is a castle in the air and instead devotes himself to working in his grandfathers company. He sets aside a passionate youthful infatuation to find a more mature love.
Mr. Brooke is a simple, honest man, who works to provide a living for his family and offers his wife strength,spiritual guidance and growth.
Mr. Bhaer takes care of his nephews, putting more lucrative offers aside to devote himself to his responsabilities. He is generous even when he himself is not rich and is willing to give guidance to a young woman far away from home. He corrects callow youths who try to reason God away and is willing to 'work and wait' to be able to marry.

Does that sound like the current movie star standard? Very few words in the books are actually devoted to the looks of these men. It is NOT their appearance that makes them great husbands, both Austin and Alcott make the virtues of these men the reason why they are worthy of a good wife.

When Jasmine says that Mr. Knightley does not gallivant around in the twentyfirst century, I must correct her. He does. He just does not look like Mark Strong or Jeremy Northam. If I look at my own husband, I can find so many of the qualities of these Austin and Alcott heroes in him. A good provider, a genuinely kind man, someone who helps me grow in spirituality, someone who is attentive, who is steadfast and loving. I could add to the list for a long time. I am not much of a novel writer, but if I was, he would most certainly make a great Austin style hero.

Heroes are around us. They may not look like the moviestars that play heroes, but they have the same qualities still. The qualities that we find in the bible. Because the 'chivalrous impuls' that makes Mr. Darcy protect Elizabeths good name, even when she has rejected his proposel is but a mirror of what Joseph, husband of Mary does in offering to divorce her quietly instead of slandering her good name and possibly sentencing her to death when he finds out she is with child.
Larie's easy compliments of his talented wife near the end of the book is the Proverbs 31 husband praising his wife in the gates of the city.
Edward Ferrars commitment to do what is right is reflected in Boaz who first settles things with Ruths relative who might have greater rights, before taking her as his wife.

I am certainly not implying that our literary heroes are as great as the biblical ones. I am saying though that virtues have not changed. And that there are still men around that posess those virtues that we dream of as little girls. They might not look like Colin Firth (though I personally think my husband quite handsome), but the Mr. Knightleys' Darcy's and Brooke's and Laurie's of this age are well worth waiting for.

I waited for one until I was 28 before meeting him. Now, being married to him nearly three years and with a son, I can tell you that romance, the true and wonderful kind, is a part of my daily life. Do not give up on the heroes. They are there.