I wish I had seen this post a few years ago...

Being an only child and the first in my generation of acquaintances to be a homemaker with children, my images of what my life as a homemaker would be came mainly from blogs. It seemed smart to listen to what other women, several with many more children than I, were doing during their day and find out what life as a homemaker would be like.

I wish I would have read this post, at a most excellent blog, several years ago. It may have saved me months and months of doubt and emotional heartache because I just felt like an utter failure as a homemaker and mother for not being able to create that same blog picture home here, while my baby didn't sleep for more than three hours during his first nine to ten months!
I honestly was ready to go back to work to pay for daycare because I was clearly not capable of doing this mothering thing. I hung in there, thanks to some people who were honest to me. Who told me that, while people may tell you to 'just enjoy this time because they are so tiny only so shortly', it sometimes simply isn't possible to enjoy it, because you are overexhausted. And the only thing you then have to do is love your child and survive. You don't need to love the situation, to love your child.
Seeing what a happy, healthy boy my Joseph is, I must have done something right.

I really want to encourage the women further along the mothering and homemaking path to be true Titus 2, 3-5 women:

"Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."

Please encourage us to love our husbands and children, by showing us the beauty of being a homemaker IN the chasing of crumbs, the overexhausted days, the giving up of hobbies and sometimes even of our brain. My world has always turned around words, and sleep deprivation actually robbed me of the ability to find even the simplest words like 'fridge'. And I did not expect it. I didn't know being a mom and a homemaker was like that.

Many young women of my generation never had a real homemaker as a rolemodel. I tumbled into homemaking expecting hours to scrapbook, embroider pretty towels, set my table with linnen napkins, always have 5 shirts ironed for my husband, ready with full make up and perfume to greet him with a kiss when he came home while happy children crooned around my skirts exclaiming 'papa, papa' showing him the homemade cards and cupcakes we had made during the day.

And I am sure some glorious days will be like that. I have had days of utter contentment, playing with blocks after all the chores were done in a snap, towels folded, dinner in the crockpot, hair pinned in a pretty do and just happy, to enjoy my little boy. I have had a few days of that. But mostly I have had mere moments of that, in between chasing a todler, chasing crumbs, trying to cut up bell peppers for supper, to add to storebought sauce while someone is tugging at my leg saying 'mama, mama, mama' a hundred times over....
And I have days in which it all seems to fall apart and I am just whispering to God "please give me patience, please give me patience" in an unending prayer to just get through the next hour.

By now I accept this. I've adjusted the picture and I learned to love the reality. But I was very close to giving up on being a stay at home mother and homemaker all together, because I wasn't able to pose next to the 'glamour shot' of homemaking that I found in several blogs.
Sometimes it is easier to hang on if you know that you are not the only one who just found a five day old moulding banana hidden in the pan you were about to use for dinner for which you are already late, while the child you love more than life itsself is trying to get on your last nerve by tugging on your arm incessantly..
Or IS that just me?

Literary Romance: great husbands are men of virtue

Last weekend there were a lot of posts about romance in blogland, most of them inspired by valentines day. As I mentioned in my previous post: some people love the day, some people dislike it, but many were inspired by the holiday to give their thoughts on romance. I would like to throw my own little stone in that pond.
I have recently seen many posts that encourage young women to adjust their expectation of a husband. I am in great agreement with that idea if it encourages young women to let go of movie star expectactions and disney princess dreams. Sometimes though, it seems we ask women to give up their hopes and dreams and to 'settle'. As long as he is a Christian... everything else should be ok if you pray a lot about it. I know that God can do amazing things, but our expectations as women will often determine what the goal is that men strive for.
I was struck by this post from the Joyfully home blog. Don't you just love that title?

I agree with a lot of what Jasmine says, but I was struck by these passages:

Many of us would be indignant if young men expected us to look like Anne Hathaway, to act like Anne Elliot, to have an accent like Kate Winslet, to be as tall as Cate Blanchet, and yet to be as spiritually mature as Sarah Edwards or as intelligent as Abigail Adams!

As charismatic as Mr. Knightly may be, I haven't seen him gallivanting around in the twenty-first century, nor should you expect to. As beautiful and multi-faceted as Elinor Dashwood may appear, I am not her, and neither are you. Who we are is children of a sovereign King Who has given us biblical standards for true femininity and masculinity, standards that supersede every romantic notion in our heads, and standards that will be a much stronger foundation for a God-honoring marriage.

Now as far as I know Jane Austin, and Louisa May Alcott who is mentioned further in the post, there is barely ANY emphasis on the looks of their male heroes. On the contrary. All good, marriageable men are recognized by their actions, their behaviour, their... virtues.

Let me give a little summary of some of the well known 'heroes of young womens' literature'.

Colonel Brandon is attentive, steadfast and takes on responsibilites for those weaker than him. He is willing to put his own happiness aside for Mariannes.
Mr. Knightleys great virtue lays in his honesty and moral guidance towards Emma, as well as his greater tolerance for the weaknesses of others.
Edward Ferrars goodness is seen in his lack of snobism, his desire for a simple life and his commitment to a given word, even when it goes against his own happiness.
Mr. Darcy becomes a 'hero' in his willingness to overcome his pride, to confront someone he loats in order to save the woman he loves more public embarrassement and an uncertain future, even after she has previously refused his proposal.
Laurie from Little Women and Good wives sets aside his own desires and grows up. He is man enough to realize that his dream of becoming a genius composer is a castle in the air and instead devotes himself to working in his grandfathers company. He sets aside a passionate youthful infatuation to find a more mature love.
Mr. Brooke is a simple, honest man, who works to provide a living for his family and offers his wife strength,spiritual guidance and growth.
Mr. Bhaer takes care of his nephews, putting more lucrative offers aside to devote himself to his responsabilities. He is generous even when he himself is not rich and is willing to give guidance to a young woman far away from home. He corrects callow youths who try to reason God away and is willing to 'work and wait' to be able to marry.

Does that sound like the current movie star standard? Very few words in the books are actually devoted to the looks of these men. It is NOT their appearance that makes them great husbands, both Austin and Alcott make the virtues of these men the reason why they are worthy of a good wife.

When Jasmine says that Mr. Knightley does not gallivant around in the twentyfirst century, I must correct her. He does. He just does not look like Mark Strong or Jeremy Northam. If I look at my own husband, I can find so many of the qualities of these Austin and Alcott heroes in him. A good provider, a genuinely kind man, someone who helps me grow in spirituality, someone who is attentive, who is steadfast and loving. I could add to the list for a long time. I am not much of a novel writer, but if I was, he would most certainly make a great Austin style hero.

Heroes are around us. They may not look like the moviestars that play heroes, but they have the same qualities still. The qualities that we find in the bible. Because the 'chivalrous impuls' that makes Mr. Darcy protect Elizabeths good name, even when she has rejected his proposel is but a mirror of what Joseph, husband of Mary does in offering to divorce her quietly instead of slandering her good name and possibly sentencing her to death when he finds out she is with child.
Larie's easy compliments of his talented wife near the end of the book is the Proverbs 31 husband praising his wife in the gates of the city.
Edward Ferrars commitment to do what is right is reflected in Boaz who first settles things with Ruths relative who might have greater rights, before taking her as his wife.

I am certainly not implying that our literary heroes are as great as the biblical ones. I am saying though that virtues have not changed. And that there are still men around that posess those virtues that we dream of as little girls. They might not look like Colin Firth (though I personally think my husband quite handsome), but the Mr. Knightleys' Darcy's and Brooke's and Laurie's of this age are well worth waiting for.

I waited for one until I was 28 before meeting him. Now, being married to him nearly three years and with a son, I can tell you that romance, the true and wonderful kind, is a part of my daily life. Do not give up on the heroes. They are there.

Between wants and needs...

These last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about the difference between wants and needs. For some reason there are a lot of things that I see that I want or think I need. Most of them are easy to distinguish. I want one of those little pc easy thingies... the ones that are small and easy to carry and would make me independent from my husbands laptop when we are on the move and would be easy to carry my calender in etc. etc. I saw them at Target when I was there to shop for babyfood and was immediatley entranced. That however is easily identifiable as a want. I do not need it. I have a nice, working pc here at home, which is where I spend most of my time anyway. It would be handy to have, certainly, but it is a want.
Then there are the things that are mostly want and sort of a need. I want a handy steamcleaner for my wooden floors here. Joseph makes a mess every day, and I want something that makes it easy to clean up quickly after he has gone to bed each night. I have a big, bulky, loud floorcleaning machine that I simply do not have the umph to get out at night, never mind the fact that it is so loud it might wake him up again, which is definitely not a want. So... I would like one of those light and handy shark steamcleaning thingemies. Especially since having the swiffer mini vac has indeed worked very well for those small daily messes.
And then there is the breadmaking machine. My apologies to all my American friends but it is asbolutely impossible to buy a decent loaf of wholeweat bread here without paying an insane amount of money. The crusts are never crusty, they're chewy instead, and the whole bread can be squeezed like a sponge. *shudders* Do I need the breadmaking machine? Not really... since I absolutely do not have the time to bake bread the oldfashioned way though... we will have to do with the storebought bread like just about everyone else.
What I do need is a wintercoat. That is a necessity, or I will be freezing through the season. And one or two more winter basics, like a good sweater and maybe one more skirt or dress. But the winter hat I have my eyes set on... is that a necessity?

With the economy in shambles, it is good to stop and think about what you want and need. As long as the want does not become a deep longing in your heart, wanting material things is not harmful. But there is the trap of becoming obsessed, about feeling deprived when you can not have what you want. I am not deprived for having my breadmachine and I most certainly am not deprived without that cute little on the go computer thingy. Wanting something, even something material, is not a bad thing, as long as it does not become a priority in your life. It can inspire you to live more frugally to save up for something. It can teach you hard work to reach a goal. This kind of want is productive. It can spice life in affording you a little extra after you have waited for it and earned it. It is a positive force.
I used to keep a list of wants on my computer. If I wrote it down, it was 'on the list'.
I visited it every few months and found out that a lot of things I wanted I simply did not have a great desire for anymore. It is one of the reasons why people who teach budgetting and frugality tricks tell you to always go home and wait a day or two before making a purchase that is not strictly necessary. Quite often after even a short wait, you find that the burning desire is gone or diminished.
I am certain that, when I look back at my little list in a few more months, it will have boiled down to things that are really essential, and as a bonus by then I will also have saved up for them.

And the new president is... Barack Obama

I guess I feel a stranger in blogland this morning. Because I do not know how to feel. First of all, there is the fact that, as an American resident, this election would influence my life, but since I am not a citizen, I can not vote.
What I like this morning is the fact that every conservative blog I have read (which aren't that many) have very gracious posts on them. Many are able to step past their dissapointment and see the historic significance of this event. I also see very little gloating from the people whose prefered candidate did win. Instead I see a warm, reconcilliatory tone, and an eye towards the future. Both responses inspire me with hope and faith that this choice was the one that had to be.

What makes me feel like a stranger though, is that I do not seem to fit in the category of the victors or the vanquished. I have kept silent during the campaigning period on politics and will rarely rear the topic here. It is not my... field or my expertise and I have more to say on the way to change the future through small daily actions than I have confidence in my voice when it comes to politics.
And yet.... I like Barack Obama. I think he has the potential to be a great president. While I appreciate McCain's service to his country... part of me wanted Barack Obama to win. And part of me did not want him to win. I like his positions on economy... I like his plans for healthcare. I don't mind government interference. I come from a country with a lot of it, and in my mind it works better. I never needed to have near heart failure after a doctors visit because of the bill, or think about where to buy a house based on the schooldistrict. All schools were accessible to me, and people would have laughed at the idea of starting to save for college when a baby is just born.

And yet... there is the one part of Obama's views that I have such great problems with. Some people call these 'his moral views'. I disagree. All of the above... healthcare, economy, education... are all part of someones moral view, and thus part of Obama's is in my opinion excellent.
It is however hard for me to give my wholehearted support to someone who believes that any person has the right to determine the humanity of another person. It always strikes me as even stranger for African Americans to support this idea, since they have been, quite literally, at the other end of the stick.

There is so much good president elect Obama can do. And I pray he will do it. I have confidence that he will be a good president, and I pray for him that he will focus on those things America needs right now: a brighter future for all our children, with decent healthcare, wonderful schools, oportunities and underneath it, a net to catch those that threaten to slip and fall.

Yesterday, when the news was anounced, I did not know what to feel. Joy on one hand, and doubt on the other. I look forward to having that doubt removed. I look forward to finding out later that this was indeed a historic moment. I felt regret also that I had not had part in this victory. If only that one fraction of Obama's views had been different, I would have been out in the streets campaigning for him. Did I win? Did I lose? I do not think I did either. It feels strange when history happens under your eyes, and you have no part in it, not because of indifference, but because you can not morally chose to step forward or backward, but are rooted in one spot.

Yet there is something comforting about being rooted. Presidents will come and go, history will change around us, and amidst it we will live our life, and make our own little choices every day, as important as that big vote of only 24 hours ago. What was I doing when Obama became president? I was knitting a scarf as a christmas present, a scarf that, ironically, I needed to unravel today, due to a little mistake in the beginning. It might be a good metafoor... history was knitted in those stitches, and yet unravelling them only gave me an oportunity to try again, to have a new start. I am a tree in the forest. My roots were far from here, but here they have been replanted. The wind of history is rustling my leaves, whispering it's message. But I am still here. Tomorrow I will need to make decisions again. Choices. Every new day calls for so many votes for or against, in my life as well as in Obama's. May both our choices each day be the right ones.

My one hundreth post: on history and change

Well, actually it is somewhat of a cheat. I had to delete a previous post to time it better, and realised that now, Joe the Plumber is not post number 100 on this blog. I really wanted something substantial or profound for this post, though in a way, maybe Joe the plumber is a better choice, more unexpected and real.

Still, this is post number 100 and I don't know what to blog about. Perhaps I should mention the historic elections that are taking place today, so that when I read back over this, in years to come, I can remember what everyone was talking about. But will this pos be special in a number of years? And will this election have been as historic as they say?

There is a funny thing about the word 'historic'. All it really means is that something is part of history, or if used in a different way, that something changes history. But every moment that you live or breath changes history. My decision this morning on what to eat changes history. The diaper I changed changes history. Every small decision, whether it is your choice of clothing, of food, of what to buy or what to do, is a part of the rich tapestry that will form your history.

During research, one of the greatest sources for Historians are not really the treaties that have been signe, even though those are the things that end up in museums. What tells us infinitely more about our ancestors are their diaries. We don't just want they did, but why. How they lived their life. One of my new favorite books of all times "No idle hands: the social history of American Knitting" takes us into the lives of women, from the first colonists to ninenteenseventies college girls. We look through diaries and letters and see lives filled with completely different activities. We understand more how great social changes came to be by the amount of time that needed to be spend on spinning and weaving, on knitting for the troops. We understand better how a woman was perceived differently as tasks that needed to be done with great skill by hand were replaced by machines
History is not just made in battles, it is made in the crumbs of the breakfast table this morning. In the conversations struck up in lines waiting outside the polls today just as much as in the votes that will be cast.

History is made in a smile that you send to a stranger, and the kiss that you give to your child. You never know if that smile will encourage someone on a bad day, will give him a laugh to look at life again, might make him into a more confident man, which leads him to find and ask a wonderful woman to be his wife, who gives him a wonderful child, that turns out to become the next president of the united states. And all just because you smiled. Well... maybe not just because of that, but still... the point is that we all make history. One breath at a time.

No anxiety....

Phil 4:6-9

Brothers and sisters:
Have no anxiety at all, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
make your requests known to God.
Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters,
whatever is true, whatever is honorable,
whatever is just, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,
if there is any excellence
and if there is anything worthy of praise,
think about these things.
Keep on doing what you have learned and received
and heard and seen in me.
Then the God of peace will be with you.

This was last weeks reading in Church. In these times with the news reports of the economy in a daily crisis mode, it is no wonder that people get anxious. And even when there is no national emergency on the agenda, it is easy to get overwhelmed in your daily life: whether at your job, amidst the children, the demands of ministry of family, of friends...
Sometimes it seems as if everything threathens to fall over us like a giant cresting wave.
Be not afraid runs like a red thread through the entire bible. One of my favorite quotes is the following:

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:26-28

This peace is not a denial of fear, nor a promise of a worry free existence. It doesn't mean: you don't need to do anything, God will not let anything touch you. We know of many Godly people who have known great suffering. In the bible we can immediately point to Job but just looking around you may show you several wonderful people who are living the Word and following the Holy Spirit through a very difficult path, whether it is illness, job loss, depression, family tragedies... or all of those.
Is "let not your hearts be troubled" then a command that we need to follow? Or is it more a fatherly reassurance that despite our fears, He will still be there. God does not promise us an easy path, He promises that He is there with you. In a way this is reflected in the promise we give at our wedding day. I recently saw a wedding on tv where the couple had written their own vows and the groom vowed to the bride that he would make her happy all the days of her life. It was very sincere and heartfelt, and certainly well meant, but I could not help but thinking... that is not a promise he can make. What if something horrible happens? What if they have a child that dies... what of the day when they lose another loved one... what of the day she loses a job, or they have a fight... he will not make her happy then. But what he can do is ... be there. He can promise to be there always, he can promise her that whatever she does, whatever life throws at her, he will be at her side.
Marriage here on earth is almost an analogy of the relationship between Christ and his Church. His "do not afraid" is not a false promise of an easy, happy days life. It is a promise of the simple happiness of knowing that whatever happens, in Christ, you are not forsaken. His name "Jahweh" simply means "I am".
Amidst our worries and working, it is wonderful to stop and stand still, thinking of His forever presence at our sides.

Mantilla

A very kind lady just send me a vintage mantilla. She didn't feel it suited her, and thought I might like it. I LOVE it. While I grew up, I did not know anyone who covered their head during mass. Even my Polish grandmother didn't. It came as a surprise to me when a few years ago I just felt this... whisper inside my heart that kept talking to me about covering. I resisted for a while, but the Holy Spirit seemed to keep throwing me back to the thought by leading me to stories and sites about covering during mass.
For me, wearing the headcover in the presence of the sacrament is a private devotion. I don't think it's something that is obligated anymore. I don't come from a tradition of headcovering, I've never seen my mother wear one, and she is actually rather uncomfortable with me wearing one, which is why I 'eased into' covering, with broad hairbands and caps, and buncovers etc. I don't know how it happened but about four years ago, I just... started to feel called to cover. I hate using that expression because it sounds like a 'voice from the burning bush' experience that belongs in a dramatic movie. I just kept stumbling over the idea and it somehow took root in my heart. I often compare it to a devotion to the chaplet of Divine Mercy. I think it is a beautiful devotion, and some people feel atracted to it, called to it. Others feel more atracted to the rosary, the stations of the cross.For me it has many meanings. At the forefront, I think is the fact that what is most special and most Holy is often hidden from prying eyes. A veil is a symbolic way for me to put myself apart from the hussle and bussle of daily life and devote myself to God during the time I put it on. It's a sign for my mind and body that now I am taking on a different role. With little Joseph with us during mass, that's become even more important, because it is hard to focuss on mass while you are trying to prevent little Houdini from escaping.