I want to thank everyone who is replying for their prayers. I know my blog has become one.. mindless rant against this autism thing in the last few posts, but there are just.. no words to express how hard it is to have a child that you could play and communicate with and then to find that contact fading. We are on the path of therapies but so far each meeting has been about paperwork and questions and 'next time we will start'. I want to see some results. I want to see that lovely awareness dawn in his eyes again. I want him to communicate with me. I want to know that in 10 years from now he will be entering highschool, with some challenges but aware and happy, and ABLE.
And I want to be able to sit down and play blocks with him fir 10-15 minutes. On top of everything Michael is teething and having a cold. We (hope) that the light fever is what is making him worse, unable to focus and just... running around like a hyperactive drunk. But we do not know.
I want to skip the next five years till we are in a less "I do not know" period. I have been looking forward with such longing to this age where I would finally be able to communicate with my boy and now instead of things getting easier, it is just getting harder and harder. I had some hopes that a few weeks in things would.. settle. My emotions, his behaviour. That it would get better. I am a wreck, emotionally and I need it to stop because autistic or not, he needs me. My oldest son needs me, to be a bridge between both of them. But I hate the endless repeat of words without sense, of scripts from books and television. I want to hear him talk. I want to.. interact with him. Please pray that something of the therapies will start and start working soon. And that he will be getting better, leading a self sufficient life eventually and be happy. And that I can be happy again. It has been so long now since I have seen some happiness.