Friday, October 3, 2008

On hiatus (May 21 2008)

April09 030
As you see this blog has been on hiatus for a while, and so have I. I am not sure if this post will return me to the ranks of the regular bloggers or if it is only an update. We will find that out in the next days and weeks I presume. I want to ponder for a moment on the very nature of this hiatus though, because for me it has been a hard one. As everyone who reads this blog nows, I have had a baby now eight months ago. My little Joseph is wonderful and too cute for words. He also does not sleep through the night, even at 8 months. A good night sleep is waking up twice, a bad night sleep is waking up 4 or more times. A horrible night is waking up to six or seven times.
When I was pregnant I knew my life was changing forever, I just did not know how much it was changing. Yes, I figured I had to get up at night for a few months, and yes I knew now that there would be a baby involved in everything, but the total... package of how it would affect my life just did not sink in, especially not since it seemed, and still seems, that other mothers with young babies just get much more things done. For me, a lot of things in which I took pride just had to go. I could not do it. This blog was one example, some other things on the internet another. But those things at the least were superficial, no mother how much they meant to me. But I had and have problems keeping the house tidy, getting nutritious meals on the table, and keeping up my appearance. I have blogged several times about the importance of looking tidy and even elegant as a homemaker and yet with baby, that became more and more difficult (still doable though. I have not bought that denim jumper yet! *W*) Just time to spend with my husband or just time to 'be' and chose what to do has gone, let alone time to sew or embroider. I felt a little resentful about all those blogs that describe homemaking as this wonderful time that allows you to be creative with flower arrangements, gardening, cooking, letter writing and other things while I barely managed to get dressed. The hardest thing was having to say no to many worthwhile things that I did. I had to give up a comite in our womens organisation, I had to give up tutoring, and I had to give up volunteering at the wonderful organisation that Birthright is. I have felt guilty over that for a long time. These people have welcomed me here, they have supported me, I made a commitment to them, and now I just ... had to leave. I could not do it. Even when my husband offered to watch the baby for me, I just did not have the mental energy to even think about going back to volunteer work, something I had most certainly expected to do after those first three months.
Over the last few weeks, with sleep deprivation waning just the tiniest bit, I have decided to see myself as 'on hiatus' just as my blog. That does not mean I give up everything. I still strive for that neat home, kept up appearance and those healthy meals. I still refuse to go out in the garden in my bathrobe. But I have learned that this season of my life looks different than I expected it. Since we have moved, things have gotten a bit easier as we were able to babyproof a room or two in the house. THat means that while I can not leave Joseph unsupervised, I can do things while he is around. I only need to stop him from getting in trouble every five minutes, not every five seconds. I may not have time yet to sew, but I do have time to clean up my kitchen now and again. Perhaps my own hobbies and so fort had to be put more completely on the backburner than I had originaly thought. Maybe I even have to move them to the fridge for a while, but they will keep. Once I manage to have a system again in housekeeping, I may even have some fragments of time here and there for hobbies. Till then, I don't fight the hiatus anymore, I accept it. And that saves me a whole lot of mental energy.

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