Need some help (sensitive post)

So I had another ultrasound, and it turns out that I am two weeks further than they said I was. (I TOLD them so!)
It also turned out that the baby was a boy. While I know I shouldn't care at all and that my main focus should be on a healthy baby, I feel really dissapointed that this isn't a girl. I am, as you probably know if you read this blog, probably the most girly girl there is. I feel like my whole life I have been prepared to mother a little girl. I am also the first daughter of a first daughter, of a first daughter... all strong, special, kind, womanly women who passed on something to their daughters that can not be passed on to sons. Plus, I just want tea sets and pretty dresses and a child that is interested in some of the things that I am interested in. *chuckles* I love Joseph, and am interested in him and what he does, but trains and cars and dinosaurs and climbing... hmmm...

Considering my age and other practical circumstances, this might very well be our last child, though one never knows what God will decide. Anyhow, even IF there would be a third child, there would not be a guarantee that that is a girl. Besides... I want to rejoyce in this baby. Not the next.
Please... do not tell me how wonderful boys are. I HAVE a wonderful boy. Everybody who reads this blog knows how much I adore my wonderful boy. I also know that they will be friends. THough I honestly think they might be friends too if the next one was a girl.

I am asking two things of you if you read this: first.. pray for me. There are some things going on with me physically that I prefer not to speak of in such a private forum that make me over react to what is in reality is a little dissapointing, but no big deal. After all.. I love the little boy I already have, so two little boys will just mean twice the love. I just need to.. get there. But as I said, there are some physical things going on that are giving me serious trouble.
Secondly, do you know of some sites that are exclusively aimed at boys clothing and NICE boy clothing. Not just you know.. green onesies with a blue border and a giraffe that are supposed to be cute? I want to look at more.. elegant boy pictures, if that makes any sense.
Do you know any ways at all to help make me actually feel how special this little baby boy is going to be? I just keep having this horrible, horrible 'heir and a spare' feeling, and of course I am racked with guilt over feeling that way.

Elmo and soup st(r)ains...

I had an exhausting day today. This morning, I had a big suprise for Joseph. None other than ELMO and Grooverwould make a visit to our local childrens museum. We are members and go at least once every two weeks. Even without Elmo, it's a great place to visit. So Joseph was enthousiast about going shopping in the children's supermarket they have, the firetruck he could steer and the large blocks he could play with. But around 11 am... there was a big buzz in the middle of the museum where the enormous interactive statue of Eddie (biggest child ever, three stories high) sits patiently. Tables were set up where children could get a colouring page with Elmo's head.
About ten minutes later, Elmo and Groover made an appearance to a group of very enthousiast preschoolers and their mothers. After that a line formed to have your picture taken with Elmo and Groover. By some stroke of luck, we were pretty close to the beginning of the line, so I only had to keep my struggling todler in check for five to ten minutes. He usually is pretty well behaved, but he is very active and his enthousiasm for Elmo and Groover really overwhelmed any restraint. I held on tight to his hand, I hoisted him on my hip, I held him under my arms like a football, sang itsy bitsy spider, and less than ten minutes later it was our turn. We made the pictures and all seemed well in the world. And then... Joseph did not want to leave.

With him tucked under my arm, this time more like a squirming, squeeling piglet I took him away from the photo oportunity for a planned purchase of an Elmo figure at the museum shop. On the way there he escaped once and ran back to where he just came from. I nabbed him a few yards before he could disturb another childs oportunity. Once in the store, he was slightly distracted by the big button he was allowed to push that made the bright yellow schoolbus play the sesame street song. But never the less he escaped twice to run back.
It's hard to chase after a wayward todler when there are lots of other todlers afoot that you can not trample. Especially with a pregnant belly, a camerabag and a purse...

Joseph actually managed to get a second photo moment with Elmo (after all the other children had gotten their turn of course!) and we managed to leave the museum. My arms, my shoulders and my back were hurting!

By thie time it was evening, I felt too tired to cook. Luckily Friday is our vegetarian evening, and I had no more ambitious plans than vegetable soup. That should not have been hard. Vegetable soup is easy! Veggies, a potato, some stock, water, and letting it boil. Only for some weird reason I misjudged the water. I was getting frustrated. It was late. We should have eaten around 7 pm, maybe a bit later and it was getting close to eight. I offered my husband and child some cookies while they waited and felt like a failure.
While they munched on cookies, I blended the soup but it remained watery and apologized repeatedly to my husband who kept assuring me it was okay! I added more stock powder. It still didn't want to taste great and the texture remained less substantial than I wanted. I decided to try cornstarch, but that didn't seem to help either. Somehow I had developed tunnel vision. Wether or not I was a good wife and mother depended on this soup! Which halfway decent wife could not make vegetable soup and feed her family a healthy meal on time??
Maybe the cream I normally added would help. Maybe if I thickened the cream. After all.. it WAS heavy whipping cream, right? I whipped that cream with a tiny bit of the remaining corn starch/ soup liquid into a big fluffy mass.... which again took some muscle work. My poor biceps!!
Of course the nice fluffy cream immediately disolved into a thin white layer when I finally decided to serve the watery soup, with a thousand apologies. My husband kept saying that it was fine.

Only now, two hours after the soup was served and eaten, with Joseph slumbering peacefully in his bed, I can look back at myself and shake my head. What was I thinking? I had an exhausting day. A meal did not work out. I did my best. Nobody minded. I offer my family my love every single day. I offer them the best food I can give them. And if that soup ended up merely mediocre instead of good, well it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.
Being a good wife and mother is so much more than a bowl of soup. Somehow, I just lost sight of that for a few hours. And all it got me was sore arms and a bad mood. Would it not have been better to have served up the soup as it was, shrug and laugh about it and look in the pantry for extra popcorn for everyone?

The first day of school.... take two!

After the predicted heartbreaking farewell of Joseph's first day of school in the YMCA program, and the discovery that when I came to pick him up about 20 minutes early he was playing nicely... they told us at the end of that first schoolday that the program would cease to exist in less than two weeks time?
You can imagine how absolutely horrified I was, not as much because the program closed on us, but because they did not communicate this until AFTER the first day of school. With only four children enrolled they did not know this was a possibility the wednesday before at orientation? Or even that very morning when we went through all the difficulties of leaving our little boy in their hands for the very first time?

As upset as I was, I didn't have much time for anger, instead I had to find a new preschool program that still had a place open after the first day of school. Putting Joseph in preschool was not some offhanded decision. We truely considered his needs, his likes and dislikes, and what we wanted as a family. What I did not want was for Joseph to be away from mommy five days a week. Unfortunately, it seems that most preschool programs now operate on a five days a week basis. At two years old, he just seems to be too little for that. Luckily, I managed to find a preschool that still had openings. I read over their website, their core and value statements, their policies... and then I made the call. Unfortunately the answering machine picked up. The next day however, my beloved husband and I dropped by and found everything the way we wanted. A christian environment, experienced and kind staff, small groups and a lot of understanding, plus a two half day program.

So today, we repeated the heartbreaking scenario that every parent who sends their child off to school knows. Joseph cried as if we abandoned him in the desert. And of course we felt very bad. I kept my cellphone close by but resisted the urge to call the director who did her rounds every 35 minutes to hear how he was doing.
When I picked Joseph up, he was crying, but the teacher, Miss Mina, said that he had only just started crying together with some of the others when the first parents came for pick up. Aparently he had great fun. And... she had proof! Not only was there the picture Joseph had made (until you are a parent you can't really appreciate the loveliness of some random yellow lines on black paper!), there were the shapes he had glued, and the fingerprint he had made with paint, which had then been altered in a fish! And on top of that all... there were lots of pictures made with the digital camera in which I could see a smiling and very busy Joseph. When they told me they had played with bubbles outside, there was no more doubt in my mind. He had great fun.
That was confirmed when, upon leaving the building Joseph said: "Bye bye peaschool" "fu (n) peaschool!"

I am certain there will be some crying again next monday, but after a few more tries, I have the feeling he is going to ask about peaschool on days when it is 'just mommy!'.

Smart.. or smart alec?

Tomorrow is my little boys first half day at preschool. He is excited. I am nervous. It's such a big step. Of course he has been away from mommy before. Mimi Becky and Grandpa Bill, Ama Madeleine.. they have all watched Joseph from a few hours to a few days. Joseph has been absolutely fine and mommy and daddy have enjoyed the time together. There really is no reason to be nervous. Besides.. our little boy is pretty smart. He can count almost to twenty. He knows and recognizes the letters of the alphabet. And he is recently learning to say please. "Pweeee". Very endearing.

It is important to me that he learns certain things from a young age. Politeness in word and deed is what we are working on now. Of course a two year old doesn't automatically understand why he just can't wriggle up unto the seat of the cool fire truck in the museum and dislodge another child that way if it works and gets him the coveted seat behind the wheel. But he is learning and he starts to understand the phrases "wait' "wait your turn" and is slowly beginning to understand the concept of sharing.
One of the other things we have tried to teach him early is to be a good 'helper' to his mommy. Before he was a year and a half old Joseph 'helped' me with the laundry. Mommy pulled washed clothes out of the washing machine, gave them to Joseph and he helped by putting them in the dryer. When it is time to eat, Joseph takes out his own bowl and cutlery. And when he spills something he helps clean it up. He sometimes even helps mommy with cooking (he gets to stir when I bake a cake) or cleaning (with a little rag and a spray bottle of water). Of course mommy is very proud when he helps. She tells him he is a good mommy helper. She tells him that he is a big boy to help her like that. And tells him what a good boy he is when he helps and listens.

As you can see we have tried to instill certain words and values in him. Some days I think we have a long way to go. Some days I think I have thought him well. Some days I think I have thought him too well.
This evening, we were starting the before bed ritual. Joseph had had a bad, was in his jammies and about to watch sesame street when mommy noticed that all the blocks were still on the floor. Tidying up the blocks is something that Joseph will do, but mommy needs to remind him. So I told Joseph that he needed to put the "blocks in the box". Don't chores sound much more fun if they rhyme or are put on song?
Joseph however ignored mommy for Sesame Street that was about to begin. Mommy repeated the request. Joseph was still fascinated by the people who sponsor sesame street. Mommy was not about to be ignored though. So she cruelly pushed pause on the remote control and told Joseph once more to put the blocks in the box. This time I got the desired reaction. Joseph started to move and put the blocks away. Both mommy and daddy pronounced him a good boy. I watched him with tenderness as my not quite two year old diligently put blocks away.
Then he looked at me, utterly adorable and came to me with two blocks in his hands. He gently pushed them in my own, looked up and simply said "hep" (help), in the utter trust that now mommy would help him with HIS chores.

Bill and I laughed heartily and mommy did end up helping him as he put his blocks away. What can I say? He has.. people skills?

Pre school orientation

Joseph is starting preschool on tuesday. He will only go two half days of course, but for his mommy it is an enormous step.
Last wednesday there was an orientation for parents. The invitation said from 6.30 to 8 pm to meet the teachers and see the rooms and see to last minute details etc. I will admit I was as nervous as if he was filling out college aplications. I wanted him and us to make a good impression.
First of all I wanted to be perfectly on time, so I picked my husband up early and we were on our way. Joseph looked so cute in his summery shirt, and shorts and sneakers.

And then, just when we were about five more minutes driving from the YMCA.. he threw up all over himself. Not sick for an entire day, but all of a sudden out of the blue.. gulp. Okay.. so we needed to drive home instead. We run into the house, get Joseph out of the carseat with a towel, to avoid getting stuff all over us and while my husband tries to clearn out the car seat I hose Joseph off in the bad.
We drive back to the YMCA, definitely late and in a smelly car, not certain if certain odours would not cling to us all by the time we arrived.

Luckily the meeting turned out to be a drop in. Joseph will belong to the doodelbugs group. And we received a folder with all the relevant information. What to bring.. what not to bring. And so on.
The teachers were very friendly and immediately impressed with Joseph's.... running capabilities. As usual, our little boy found standing or sitting still rather boring when there was this whole new building to explore. Mommy and daddy were tag teaming, and the teachers were jumping in as well to keep him out of places he should not be. He was very impressed with the window through which he could see the swimming pool and I wonder if he will like the swimming lessons he gets on tuesday.

At a certain moment, Joseph discovered a computer in the reception area. Ooohhh... he needed to explore that! The teacher allowed him to do so while sitting on her lap. Joseph was extatic. And rewarded her by showing off. He pushed buttons on the keyboard and as they appeared on the screen in the drawing program she had opened, he started to correctly name them, one by one. Then to conclude the performance, he sang the ABC song. Apparently he is well versed when it comes to the "Aabee's" as he likes to call it.

When mommy and daddy had filled out the last of the paperwork, his teacher asked cheerily if he would want to go back to mommy. Joseph however did not see the need. "No mommy". Clearly he felt perfectly comfortable where he was.
So comfortable even that when we went home, he tried to run back several times when we were walking to the car. And that same evening he went to the garage door at least twice telling us "pea school" "pea school"

We explained he needed to wait a few more days before he could return to pre school. I wonder if he will be AS happy on tuesday when he actually must manage for three whole hours without mommy.

They grow up so fast

It is never too early to talk with your children about serious matters. I remember Bill talked to Joseph when he was still inside mommy's tummy about the advantages of coming out sleeping through the night and potty trained. That one did not work out as we had hoped, but we are not the kind that easily gives up.
So, we regularly have serious talks with Joseph about Jesus, about the priesthood, about the fact that he will never have a computer in his bedroom, that books are the greatest thing on earth and that he will be as nerdy as mommy and daddy...

Today I had been watching a tv program about weddings and commitment. It ended with a marriage proposal and I thought it was time for another serious conversation. So I took our wedding picture from the shelf, showed it to him and told him this was mommy and this was daddy (the picture is shot from the back.) Then I told him that daddy asked mommy to marry him and she had said yes. I began to tell him that one day when he was much older and if he was not called to the priesthood, he might meet a girl. Joseph seemed to be listening with great attention. He looked at mommy with those big, brown eyes and said absolutely earnest: "pea school"

Aparently he is determined to meet his future wife in preschool in two weeks. I think I need to start arranging a marriage for that boy, now!

The sweetest sound

I heard the two most wonderful phrases in the English language today for the first time:

"I love mommy"

and

"Yes, mommy"

Plus I received a compliment on the behaviour of my son today while we were out and about. Some days need to be hung on the wall in a frame to remember forever.

The picture is from two weeks ago when Joseph received his reading/ listening medal at the library.